Blighty Blunders
by Lion.Lovin.Lamb
Summary: Carlisle's had another of one of his not so brilliant ideas.This time the Cullens are off to vacation in Britain. Expect madness, randomness, hyperness & overall fun.With appearances from Harry Potter, Sir Alan Sugar, Dr who, Rob Pattinson & so many more!
1. Bond, Buffy & British Accents

**Ok, so I had some Coke & then some Cherryade, which sent me rather hyper. The result this fic. It's very crazy & some of the characters are a little OOC, but hey that's the fun in it anyway. Hope you like the first chapter. Parts of it, are based on real life conversations. Leave a review if you can pretty please, with Jasper & Edward on top. Enjoy!**

**Disclaimer: I own nothing. Nothing at all. NOTHING! It all belongs to Stephanie Meyer. Hhhmmppphhh. **

(The Cullen's are all enjoying a relaxing day in. When Carlisle arrives with some news.)

(Rosalie & Emmett are in the living room, watching Goldfinger for the 975th time. Emmett is moaning, once again.)

Emmett: I'm bored.

(Winks at Rosalie in innuendo)

Rosalie: Your always bored & No, Emmett I'm doing my nails.

Emmett: Spoil spoilt. I never get some.

(In the background Sean Connery is renouncing the line "The names Bond. James Bond")

Emmett: Wish I was James Bond, he always get some. And I mean ALWAYS! Like every film. How does the dude do it?

Rosalie: One, he's a fictional character. Two, like twenty actors have played him. And three, he has that immensely sexy accent, that you Emmett would never be able to pull off.

Emmett: So your saying all I need is a sexy British accent then. (Puts on strange accent somewhere in between liverpuddlian & cockney) Steady On Old Chap. This is absolutely smashing. That was bloody brilliant. Fish & Chips for all, me Bean, Old Fruit, Old Sausage, Old Crumpet. Pip Pip Cheerio & all that. Cor blimey & Bobs your uncle.

Rosalie: Emmett that's not sexy - that's just WRONG!

(Bella & Edward enter the room. Edwards shirts askew & Bella's hair resembles a haystack. Wonder what they've been up to.)

Edward: Emmett why can I see in your thoughts, your fantasy of wearing black suits drinking martinis shaken not stirred & saving the bikini clad girl, I thought that went out after your beanie babies collection, when you wanted to rule beanie baby world or land or whatever.

Emmett: Oh Beanie Babies are SO last decade. I want to be a middle aged yet sexy British spy, who always & I mean always gets some.

Rosalie: Emmett baby, you know I only like you as Austin Powers on Thursday evenings, one Sunday a month & during Hanukkah.

Edward: Rose, can you please not imagine that, I've just hunted.

Bella: Eeew I do not wanna know.

Emmett: Yes but my Austin outfit, only comes out on special occasions. (Winks at Rosalie yet again. Bella & Edward almost throw up - if that were possible) For some reason people just don't respect me - uhum Edward, Jasper, that guy Bob in Wal Mart. They all laugh. Just cause they aren't groovy, enough. And they aint got my mojo. (Pouts at a dumbfounded Edward & Bella)

Edward: So what makes you think that pretending to be James Bond, will be any different.

Emmett: Because I have a plan. Mwahahaha!

Edward: Emmett, please don't for everyone's sanity. We'd had enough when you decided you wanted to be Hannah Montana. Oh & then was the time, when you decided to be Shakira & tried to pierce your belly button, even though you're a vampire with unbreakable skin. And the time when you wanted to be Dracula, & you made yourself some fangs out of Paper Mache. Oh & not to mention the time you tried to be Mickey Mouse & swallowed half a metric tonne of helium.

(Emmett, crushes the sofa to dust in rage.)

Emmett: I WILL NOT FAIL!!!! This time, I will not. This time…This time…This time I have a unbearably sexy British accent.

Bella: What's so sexy about the British accent any way. I've always preferred the Australian one myself, I mean…

Emmett: (Who has now trashed the rest of the living room, including Esme's $250,000 vase) What's so sexy? What's so sexy? WHATS SO SEXY? Where have you been for the last year? Have you not heard of Robert Pattinson?

Bella: Who?

Edward: Who?

Rosalie: That guy who plays Cedric Diggory?

Emmett: Of course. Shame he couldn't have a bigger part. I cry every time he dies in Ha…

Edward: (Interrupting him) Emmett you can't cry, you're a _VAMPIRE! Remember!_

Emmett: Shut up Edward. I cry internally ok. And If I could I would. You know if you turned him into a sexy vampire, the dude would have one hell of a fan base. I mean you could have a religion based on his hair.

Rosalie: Uuggh. Emmett, you know what Carlisle said, about changing movie stars. Not until they star on reality shows. Besides Emmett, that guy freakily reminds me of Edward. And I have a feeling you'd go gay for him.

Emmett: Mmmm yeah that's probably true. Maybe he should be on Buffy.

Rosalie: Emmett, Buffy hasn't existed in like 10 years. Besides, why the hell do you like that show. She slays vampires for one. And she like pushes her extremely hot boyfriend into a vortex. I mean what's up with that!

Emmett: Yeah, but he did get his own spin off show. Wow, can you imagine a show where Rob Pattinsons, a moody sexy pale vampire.

Rosalie: No, could make a good film though.

Edward: Jeesh, we have got to see this guy. I knew we should have rented Goblet Of Fire, instead of Prisoner of Azkaban, but no Bella you wanted to see the one with the werewolf. (Notices Emmett's thoughts.) Seriously Emmett, that is really freaking me out. I'm starting to agree with Rose that you may just go gay for this bloke.

(Alice & Jasper enter the room)

Jasper: He'd go gay for who? (Although being a vampire he'd already heard.) I got some seriously strange emotions just then Emmett, that I do not wanna feel ever again. Ever.

Rosalie: Tell me about. He's never gone this bad before. It's all that fan fiction he's been reading.

Edward: He can _READ_! This is news to me.

Emmett: (Who has now flattened the plasma screen) Hhmmppphhh.

Rosalie: Oh don't upset him, let him live his little fantasy. You remember what happened last time?

Jasper: Yeah, hopefully we'll be allowed back in Germany again, in the next century or so.

Alice: No they said at least a thousand years. And Emmett, don't even think about, they are not gonna let you in if you dress as James Bond. It makes no difference. Besides that suit is AWFUL!

Emmett: What suit?

Alice: The suit, you were gonna wear, to try & get in to Germany, pretending to be James Bond, so you could see Robert Pattinson at some premiere for something called Twilight or something & then catch Miley Cyrus live in Berlin, while your there too.

Emmett: Oh I'd thought, it would go nicely with my eyes, oh well I guess I'll go with onyx instead then….Hold on. Oh my Jasper. (Everyone glares at Emmett, who clearly has been reading too much fan fiction) Miley Cyrus is actually going solo, away from Hannah Montana. Oh I so can't wait. Wonder what her first song will be like? Maybe she'll release 'Nobody's Perfect'. (Starts singing) Everybody makes mistakes Everybody has those days 1, 2, 3, 4!Everybody makes mistakes. Everybody has those days, Everybody knows what, what' I'm talkin' 'bout, Everybody gets that way…

Rosalie: Emmett purlease stop singing. I thought we put a curfew on singing Hannah Montana, only on weekends, after 6pm & public holidays. Otherwise no grizzlies, for a year.

Emmett: NOOO Rose, anything, anything, anything but that.

Rosalie: Then stop singing Hannah Montana. Honestly Emmett, you're an eighty odd year old vampire, for christs sakes.

Emmett: Ok Rosie Posie, off to bed we go then, since I've been very bad. Shall I get out the bugs bunny costume?

Edward: Please. PLEASE! Stop imagining this stuff Emmett. It's scarred me enough for life, having to hear it, let alone, getting the on screen blockbuster as well.

Emmett: Sorry Eddie. We forget your new to this. I'll give you some pointers once I return….

Alice: Your not going anywhere. Carlisle's going to come in, in precisely 52 seconds & call a family meeting. (Emmett continues out of the door anyway) EMMETT! TAKE ONE STEP FURTHER & I'll RIP UP YOUR SIGNED ZAC EFRON POSTER!

Emmett: You wouldn't.

Alice: Oh I so would. In fact I even see myself doing it.

Emmett: Fine, then I'll…I'll…I'll get Jacob to eat your wardrobe.

Bella: Emmett, you do realise, Jacob isn't the family pet, right?

Emmett: What's the point in having the dog around then? Anyways Bella, this is between me & Alice. If you dare Alice, I'll burn _Bella's _wardrobe as well.

Alice: Oh its on. (Jumps on Emmett & they start scrapping on the floor)

(Carlisle & Esme enter the room)

Esme: Alice, Emmett, off each over NOW! Or you both have to go on a date with Mike Newton.

(Both get off each over, at supersonic vampire speed)

Emmett: She started it.

Alice: Nu Uh.

Emmett: Uh Huh.

Alice: Nu uh.

Emmett: Did.

Alice: Didn't.

Emmett: Did.

Esme: That's enough you two. Remember - Mike Newton.

(Alice & Emmett shut up immediately & hug each over as if nothings happened)

Carlisle: Good News.

(Everyone looks surprised apart from Edward & Alice, as being supernaturally gifted an all they already know)

Emmett: N Sync are making a comeback.

Carlisle: Uh no.

Edward: Emmett was dropped on his head, during change.

Carlisle: Yes, but uh no, that's not what I mean.

Bella: Jacob, didn't actually imprint on my 6 month old daughter.

Carlisle: Sorry Bella, but uh no.

Rosalie: I'm gonna be an extra on Gossip Girl.

Carlisle: Rose…I…uh…what?

Alice: It's half price at Prada.

Renesmee: (Who incidentally just appeared out of nowhere) Dora the explorers making a movie.

Esme: Elvis isn't dead.

Emmett: Britney's not a natural blond… There's gonna be a remake of Knight Rider…I've won an Oscar…Bigamy is legal & I can marry Miss Piggy as well as Rose…Jaspers not an emo…Jasper is my slave…Edward is my slave…Everyone are my slaves…I am king of the world…Squirrels & Muffins contrary to popular belief can my changed & will help me take over the world…I'm…

(Edward & Jasper slam Emmett to the ground, as they can no longer take it)

Carlisle: Actually no. Well I thought, we've all had a bit of a rough time lately. And I'd thought I'd book us all a vacation.

Esme: Oh that's so thoughtful of you, darling where to?

Jasper: You know I've always wanted to try surfing. Hawaii would be good…(Goes off into daydream)

Esme: Paris would be so romantic. Providing Emmett doesn't climb the Eiffel tower again.

Renesmee: (Fingers, toes, arms, any other various body parts crossed.) Disney Land. Disney Land. Disney Land.

Bella: Anywhere, so long as its not Isle Esme, I think we'll have to avoid there for a while. They may find it a little strange how I'm still alive.

Renesmee: Disney Land. Disney Land. Disney Land. Disney Land. Disney Land. Disney Land. Disney Land. Disney Land. Disney Land. Disney Land. Disney Land. Disney Land. Disney Land. Disney Land. Disney Land. Disney Land. Disney Land. Disney Land. Disney Land. Disney Land. Disney Land. Disney Land. Disney Land. Disney Land. Disney Land. Disney Land. Disney Land…

Emmett: (Who is now able to speak, as Jasper & Edward have let him go.) Ooh ooh. We could go to Switzerland, I've always wanted to try yodelling…Or or Jamaica. Yeah man…No no, we could go to Mount Everest & ski down it…No no wait, we could go to Japan again & I could beat all the sumos, yet again…Ahhh who am I kidding… Disney Land. Disney Land. Disney Land. Disney Land. Disney Land. Disney Land…

Carlisle: (Shouts over everyone who's speaking) In fact we're off to good old Blighty.

(All the rest of the Cullen's are perplexed. No one speaks.)

Carlisle: You know, my home country. Great old Britannia. (Everyone's still confused) Ok, here's the deal, we're off to Britain ok.

(A large groan comes from the rest of the Cullen's, which can incidentally be heard by the people of Port Angeles. Yet another one, of Carlisle's not so brilliant ideas)

**So there you go, there's your first chapter. Have no idea how many there's gonna be, just yet. By the way, I'm not having a poke at the British, with this fic, because well I am British, so then I'd just be poking myself. Also if anyone wants to know, I'm still writing my Insomnia fic as well, I just decided to do a more fun, let your hair down sort of fic with it. Anyways thanks for reading. Leave a review if you can. Good, bad, whatever, just want to know your criticism. Thank you! TTFN Lion. Lovin. lamb**


	2. Tutu's, Tattoos, Chewbacca & Tarzan

**Ok, Chapter 2 is up. Hope you like it. I'd like to give a special thanks to Chantalle, who helped in some of the crazy ideas. And also a big thanks to everyone whos adding me & my story to their favourite/alerts. Thanks guys. Oh & before I forget kudos to you all who leave reviews. You make a very happy .Lamb. Thanks! Reviews would be absolutely Lovely Jubilee. Please keep them coming. Enjoy!**

**Disclaimer: Stephanie Meyer owns all these characters. I just made them crazier.**

Rosalie: Britain, but like why?

Carlisle: Well I haven't been in over 300 years I thought maybe it might of changed a little.

Renesmee: But they don't even have a Disney land Granddad. They have no Disney Land. They don't even have a Disney World. Mickey would be ashamed. What has this world become.

Edward: Nessie, we've been to Disney Land 5 times this month darling. Besides you know how Emmett feels about that Dumbo ride.

Emmett: In my defence it gets pretty high, ok. So Carlyboo, if we off to Carlisle-homeland-ville do we get to meet Harry?

Rosalie: Emmett baby, you've already met Harrison Ford. Do you not remember the restraining order?

Emmett: No, no, not that Harry. Still can't believe he didn't want to replace me as Chewbacca, in The Empire Strikes Back. I mean I only crushed his Lamborghini & it wasn't even yellow. I was actually doing him a favour.

Edward: Yeah, that maybe so, but then you dyed darth vader pink.

Emmett: Oh, the good times, when it was so much easier to hassle celebrities. Do you think I'll get Harry Potters autograph?

Bella: You mean Daniel Radcliffe.

Emmett: No why the hell would I want an autograph from him, he's just that bloke who was naked in the horse play.

Rosalie: Emmett, how many times do I have to explain. Harry Potter, along with Scottie from Star Trek & yes Emmett, yes James Bond too, are all fictional.

Emmett: Yeah, but apparently so are we & yet here we are.

Rosalie: But Emmett, they're from a different book.

Emmett: Ha ha but this is fan fiction anything can happen. Jasper can make you & Bella snog. Edward can be gay. Jacob & Leah can go make babies. I can, with the help of my trusty vampire pretzels take over the world. Carlisle can have 6 wives. Vampire babies are possible & we all have quintuplets…(Everyone is yet again confused by Emmett) See what I mean .The possibilities are endless & we can meet Harry Potter. We just can. So don't mess with me Rose. Talk to the hand girlfriend. (Thrust hand into Rosalies face)

Bella: What the hell? And I thought he was bad, when he made comments on my Sex Life.

Edward: Don't ask. Emmett's discovered this website called or whatever & he now he thinks we're all fictional characters from a book by a Mormon Mom. He also seems to think for some reason that I'm ginger (Everyone else whispers: 'Cos you are) And Jasper is actually Jessica's bit on the side. Oh & that your power is actually to change the weather. Plus he keeps writing lemons about him & Rose under the name TeamJacobBoy10101, fortunately he's been banned from the site.

Emmett: That reminds me, Edward would you like to borrow the Tarzan suit, Rose really loves it. Especially if you hang from the chandelier.

Esme: So that's what happened to it. Emmett, you said Alice, had lost all credit cards her & crashed in to in a fiery spurt of rage.

Carlisle: Emmett, have you been drinking alpaca blood again? You know what it does to you.

Emmett: Sorry, Daddy. Edward had the last bear. (Sticks tongue out at Edward)

Carlisle: Edward, don't steal your brothers bears. Now apologise.

Edward: WHAT? I didn't steal his goddamn bear.

Emmett: Did too.

Carlisle: Alright, that's enough boys, we have to pack for our vacation. Or as we'd call it in England a holiday.

Emmett: What the hell, we have to learn a whole new language? That'll take me like a whole hour. Me & Rose, could have got undressed 7 times by then.

Rosalie: Honestly Emmett. They speak English.

Emmett: Would be so much easier if they spoke American.

Rosalie: They do.

Emmett: But you said…

Rosalie: English is American.

Emmett: Oi, they stole our language.

Rosalie: No…errrghhh…Emmett. (Jumps on top of him & starts ripping off his clothes…There's only one way you can shut Emmett up)

Renesmee: Daddy what are they doing?

Edward: (Covers her eyes & his own. Although he had now been mentally scarred & will more than likely need therapy, for the rest of his immortal life. )Just playing a game sweetheart.

Renesmee: Oh cool, looks like fun, can I go play it will Jacob?

Bella: (Starts hyperventilating)

Esme: (Faints - yes it is possible for vampires for faint)

Edward: EMMETT!!!

Emmett: (Jumps up off Rose & puts back together the shreds that were his clothes) Look into my eyes, look into my eyes, the eyes, the eyes, not around the eyes, don't look around my eyes, look into my eyes, you're under. (Renesmee goes into a trance) You did not see, what just happened with me & Rose.

Renesmee: I did not see what just happened with you & Rose.

Emmett: You will not play any games Jacob.

Renesmee: I will not play any games with Jacob.

Emmett: Because he smells.

Renesmee: Because he smells.

Emmett: Emmett is the best.

Renesmee: Emmett is the best.

Emmett: You will break Daddy's piano.

Renesmee: I will break Daddy's piano.

Emmett: You shall henceforth know me as Prince Of Darkness.

Renesmee: I shall henceforth….Hell no. Sorry Emmett. But Ozzy is the only Prince of darkness.

Emmett: Ahhh why does that never work?

Alice: I think it's because Ozzy has copyrighted or something. You know like nobody can like say "Hasta La Vista" now without being reminded of terminator. And how Virgin, now is the name of a company.

Emmett: It's a conspiracy started by Count Dracula.

Edward: Emmett Count Dracula doesn't exist. And besides the guy who was Dracula, wasn't even a vampire _or _a count.

Emmett: Ahhh crap, why are always the good ones fictional.

Rosalie: Tell, that to the millions of fan girls.

Emmett: I'd rather not. Some of them are pretty darn scary. One tried to steal my lucky gold thong?

Esme: No darling that was me, it was getting a little smelly. You have wore it every Wednesday for the past 50 years.

Emmett: Oops guess I should go let that delivery guy out.

Rosalie: He's still in there. Emmett, did you remember to feed him?

Emmett: Yeah I fed him a turkey leg last year at thanksgiving.

Bella: Emmett humans need feeding 3 times a day.

Emmett: Ahhh well, he needed to lose a bit of weight.

Esme: Emmett you locked up a poor human & didn't feed him!

Emmett: Ahhh relax he was entertained. His punishment was to watch Mike & Jessica porn, on replay. He probably killed himself with that, anyway.

Edward: So that's why I kept seeing naked Mike, in some ones thought. Hey, I thought it was Carlisle.

Alice: My psychicness must be on the blink. I did so not see this one coming.

Carlisle: Really, children this is not time for such discussion. Emmett you must go let out the human & if he's dead I want a 500 word letter of apology to the delivery company.

(Emmett goes out to free the delivery boy) (Nobody talks.)

Bella: You know I've never noticed how quiet it is without Emmett.

Edward: I know peace, perfect peace.

(And so it was peaceful in the Cullen household…for 5.2 seconds that is.)

Alice: Oh my god. I'm totally gonna need to update my wardrobe.

Esme: But Alice honey, you just went shopping this morning. And with the credit crunch and all…

Alice: NEVER!NEVER! Ever insult shopping, in front of me. NEVER! (Grabs curtain rail & points it at Esme.) Besides that was my Forks wardrobe, I can't where the same clothes in Britain. We could bump into Kate Moss or Lily Cole or god forbid Gok Wan. I could never live that down, Esme. Never. I would have to go provoke the Volturi.

Esme: Ok, ok. I was just saying honey. In fact, why don't you take Bella, with you.

Bella: Wait. Hold on. NOOOOOOO! (But Alice was already dragging her away.)

(Emmett returns)

Emmett: Amazingly the dude was still alive. He'd eaten his clothes but hey, I've gave him some of Edwards anyway. At least it gets me out of a 500 word essay, for today anyway.

Edward: Aren't you worried the guys gonna talk?

Emmett: Nah, I threatened him, with more Mike & Jessica Porn. He's not saying a thing.

Edward: No wonder. Carlisle, I'm just wondering after 300 years, that you decide to visit the UK now.

Carlisle: That's a very good question Edward. Well back then the people of Britain weren't too friendly, they particularly liked to chase me with lanterns & pitch forks. Funny, I had the same problem, when I visited Salem as well. Anyways, as the tales of the supernatural, are slowly decreasing, I decided I would make peace with my home country.

Jasper: You got the tickets cheap, didn't you?

Carlisle: No, I…well…ugh…Yeah.

Jasper: (Fills Carlisle with emotion of guilt) Now, that's better. What have I told, you about buying stuff off eBay & then blaming it on the chasing village people.

Carlisle: Yes. I know, but everything's so cheap.

Emmett: You shouldn't go on eBay Carlisle, its run my evil surfs & a newly blond Samara.

Jasper: Samara?

Emmett: Jeesh dude, you call yourself an emo. The girl off the Ring, who comes out the Tv.

Jasper. Oh. I didn't like her ,she scared me. Reminded me of Esme when she's angry…Eek…Hey I'm not an emo.

Emmett: Hey I didn't say it. It was those fan girls on the internet. Plus I have to admit, there's a lot of evidence behind it, the scars, the whole wanting to bite people, the emo corner. I mean it all adds up mate.

Jasper: Don't insult the emo corner. That's personal. That's where I have my alone time, when I depressed & want to write poetry & listen to my chemical romance cd. You just don't like it because it has the word emo, in it. That's prejudice. Besides all these years, being attacked by Alice, testing her new lipstick on me, you'd have one too.

Emmett: True, but I mean mate just a corner. Don't you want a hut or room or something.

Jasper: No I'm content with the corner.

Emmett: Emo.

(Jaspers sends a feeling of lust towards Emmett, who instead of jumping on Rose as intended, jumps on to Edwards & starts making out with him)

(Edward pushes him off & starts running after Jasper)

Edward: Jasper if I weren't for the fact, that Alice would hold Bella hostage, I would kill you. KILL YOU! KILL YOU I SAY!

Esme: Edward really has to sort out his anger issues. I mean what's wrong with a little brotherly bonding.

Emmett: You know. I should be angry. But you know Bella's right, you do get intoxicated after frenching Edward.

Renesmee: Seriously, why does Uncle Emmett, keep playing this game today? And why is Daddy, bashing Uncle Jazz's head against the fireplace?

Emmett: It's a fun game, kid. (Edward growls at him) That should only be played after the age of 16, (Edward growls again) sorry I mean 500, with the person you love the most (Edward: Gggrrr) I mean the person your Daddy approves of the most & In no way what so ever must you play it with Jacob, as it kills dogs.

Renesmee: Oh, it's another sex thing. Jeesh, you could have said. Jakes already said about it & he said you'd say something about that.

(Edward gets up from bashing Jasper & runs to now go kill Jacob)

Edward: DOG!!!!

Emmett: Man, that boys getting around today. Hey Alice & Bella, are taking awhile, they've been gone, nearly 5 minutes.

(Alice & Bella return, with 19 bags each. Hair done, nails manicured, make up on & Alice several minuscule tattoos on her left shoulder)

Alice: Sorry we, took a while I couldn't decide on either 'Jasper says Relax', or 'Jasper, Coz Everythings bigger in texas.' or 'Jasper is the Jazziest' or 'Honk if your horny'. So I went with them all.

Emmett: (Examines Alices shoulder) Where's Honk if your horny?

Alice: Oh, that one's Bellas & you don't wanna know.

(It came to everyone's attention then, that Bella was holding herself in a very strange manor. As if she was desperate for the toilet - but of course that would be impossible.)

Emmett: Oooooh Eddie, gonna get a surprise tonight.

Bella: (Trying to force blush, but isn't coming as she is now a vampire) Where is Edward?

Jasper: He just went to kill the dog, after he explained the birds & the bees to Renesmee. Is that ok?

Bella: He better not get dog blood on his shirt.

(Edward returns minus dogs blood, at the news of Bella's obscene tattoo.)

Edward: Damn dog, threatened to trash my piano. So I let him off with a verbal warning …Plus I ate all his clothes & replaced them with Alice's yesterday wardrobe.

Alice: Thank god, at least my old clothes, have went to the needy.

Carlisle: So, now that we're all here, time to pack.

Emmett: So, we're really going. This isn't just some evil plan, to make me change my underwear is it. Coz it's not happening.

Carlisle: No, well that actually was the original plan, but I just found out the tickets are non refundable, so we HAVE to go.

Everyone else: Oooooohhhhh.

Carlisle: Jasper, make everyone happy otherwise I'll paint your emo corner Magenta & replace all your limited edition Funeral for a friend CD's with Vanilla Ice & Scooter.

(Everybody is suddenly extremely happy & excited for the up & coming vacation)

Bella: Maybe we'll see Prince William.

Renesmee: We could get a t-shirt for Grandad Charlie saying. 'My gorgeous yet intelligent & stangely fast growing Grandchild went to London & all I got was this lowsy t-shirt'. I hope they have his size.

Rosalie: I could rig the London Eye so it could go 200 miles per hour.

Esme: Oooh maybe we'll meet Gordon Ramsey, he's such a dish. I'd loved to go to one of his restaurants, they say the foods divine.

Edward: Esme, you can't eat human food.

Esme: Shush now son, I would if it was Gordon Ramsey human food.

Emmett: Hey maybe I can convince, Colin Firth, to star in a movie all about me.

Alice: Didn't you already try…

Emmett: No, that was Hugh Grant or it could have been Mel Gibson. Or maybe Keanu Reeves. No, no it was David Hasslehoff. Yeah, yeah it was definitely the Hoff. I think we have the same Je ne sais quoi, don't you? But unfortunately we took me as a crazy fan. Can't understand why? I mean I only rigged my jeep to talk like kitt. And wore a red bikini & walked in slow-mo for the Baywatch the movie, premiere. Oh, it could have been because I bought 3million copies of 'Jump In My Car'. No, no, I think it was Jaspers fault.

Jasper: What the hell. Why?

Emmett: Because you're so embarrassing dude. I mean you started asking the guy about his charity. The Hoff, don't do charity…

Jasper: Actually 'Race for life.' is a …

Emmett: Whatever's. Girlfriend. Bet you didn't know he was the dub for Kermit the frog in Germany. HA!

(Jasper lets the topic go & returns to his emo corner, to write in his death diary.)

Carlisle: Ok, everyone pack. We have to be out the house, in the car & half way to Seattle in exactly 2 & a half minutes.

(Manic begins in the Cullen Household)

Alice: Has anyone seen my tutu? Where is my tutu?

Carlisle: Ok, carry on luggage. Blow up tent, Mr Sticklepop the giant stuffed panda, thermometer, six pairs of stripy socks, a Russian dictionary, Speedos, magic kit…

Emmett: Hhhm I found a tutu. (Puts its on) Oooh sexy.

Carlisle: …red food colouring, Mrs SticklePop the minature stuffed badger, Jaspers dvds - Titanic, Sleepless in Seattle, Ghost. Esme's wonder woman boots, Rosalies wonder woman boots, Emmetts wonder woman boots…

Bella: Edward, the piano can not fit into the suitcase. Just take the harmonica.

Renesmee: Picture of Jacob or Picture of Leonardo DiCaprio. Jake or Leo. Leo or Jake. Black or DiCaprio….Oh here's my Shark Boy & Lava Girl Poster I'll take that instead…

Emmett: (Admiring self in mirror, whilst wearing tutu) Why hello there sexy?

Carlisle: …Cheesy puffs, can opener, kitchen sink, clump of Paris Hiltons hair, passports - note to self make sure from this century - yes, this months vogue for Alice, this months car & driver for Rosalie, this months anything but Kerrang for Edward, Ok magazine for Emmett…

Alice: Seriously where is my tutu…(Has vision)…EMMETT!

(In 5 seconds the whole gang are finished, apart from Emmett who is still admiring himself in the mirror)

Carlisle: Ok, that's everything. (Notices Emmett by the mirror) Emmett, why haven't you packed?

Emmett: Oh your so god damn gorgeous it hurts….Huh. Sorry…I'm wearing it.

Carlisle: Your taking to Britain with you, a pair of thigh high boots, your lucky gold thong your Spice Girls Concert tshirt & Alice's tutu.

Emmett: Sure am.

Edward: Your gonna get cold you know?

Emmett: That's what I borrow yours & Esme's clothes for little bro. Now off to Australia we go.

Bella: We're off to Britain.

Emmett: Close enough, it's in the same sort of region. Up Up & Away. (Trys to fly out to window…And fails)

Rosalie: Emmett vampires can't fly. Not according to our god & creator oh lord Stephanie Meyer anyway.

Emmett: Oh right. That's more the whole Little Vampire thing isn't it. You know I get confused with all these different versions. According to Melissa De La Cruz we're like angel type things & that Stoker bloke says we turn into bats. I mean come on make up your minds people. If I ruled the…

Rosalie: (Drags him to the car) Come on.

Emmett: And the Cullen Crew are to oh mighty blighty. Beware. BEWARE! BEEEEWWWAAAARRRREEE!

**Ok, so that was chapter two. Totally random & a kinda OOC, but hey hopefully it was fun to read. The next chapter, will have the Cullen's in Britain. I thought it was time, I put them in there. Expect more & more randomness & funniness. Ideas I'm contemplating on are such like: Emmett running the grand national, Gok Wan critsising Alice's fashion, Rosalie beating Lewis Hamilton in formula 1, Edward yes dun dun dun meeting Rob Pattinsons & you guessed it, they don't exactly see eye to eye. Yes, all that & so much more, plus more cliffhangers & twists that you'll have to pratically glue yourself to your seats. Yes the Cullens are off to Britain…Lets see if they can handle it.**

**Thanks people. There's this little grey & green box, down there, I believe you can make a little comment on this fic if you click on it. Or so I've heard. Why don't you try it out? Hey, come on you know you want to. What's 5 more seconds of your life. Good or Bad even, I don't mind. Just keep them coming. Thank you so much. TTFN Lion. Lovin. Lamb xXx**


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